By Leann Springer

I’ve got a vaccine confession to make. I’ve been sitting with it for over 5 years now. I’m not proud of it. It’s hard to share this, especially among my colleagues and friends in the immunization space, but I know that stories in my line of work are powerful. If I can influence just one person, vulnerably airing my shame and guilt will be worth it.

I’ll start with saying I was never anti-vaccine. I did, however, experience negative interactions with healthcare providers, especially while pregnant with my first child. My doctor pushed me to get the Alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) test that she told me would indicate if the baby had Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. My husband and I discussed it when she briefly left the exam room. We decided that it might be good to know up front if our child was going to have a disability so we could learn more and be better prepared. I agreed to the test. Upon going home, I called my mom, who was a nurse, and told her they had done the blood work for the AFP. She informed me that it was notorious for falsely predicting Down Syndrome and I shouldn’t take the results to heart. 

At the follow-up visit, the doctor told me that the test was indeed positive. She then questioned how I would care for a child with complex medical needs and explained how big of a burden it would be to raise a child with intellectual disabilities. Ultimately, she urged me to end the pregnancy. My husband and I were appalled! (Disclaimer: we’re not anti-abortion.) While this pregnancy was not planned, and we were young, newly married, and just ready to graduate college, we wanted this baby. We were going to make things work, Down Syndrome or not, and we were going to love and provide for our child. Suffice to say, we went against her urging. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, there were other issues with this doctor, and I’m grateful she was not on call for my son’s birth. But my bad experiences didn’t end there. There were other times when I was misled or disregarded by doctors. All of these experiences over time eroded my trust in the medical establishment.

While I did lean towards natural remedies in some situations, all three of my kids got recommended vaccines on schedule through early childhood. Like I said, my mother was a nurse, and she ran the nursery and pediatric wards, so I had some idea of how awful vaccine-preventable diseases could be.

When my sons were older, and I was approached about the human papillomavirus or HPV vaccine, I was taken aback. I had never heard of it. Our family practice doctor didn’t say things that made me feel confident about my sons getting it; in fact, she scared me. You’re talking to me about sexual activity when my kids are this young!? I didn’t agree for them to get the HPV vaccine at that visit. I was suspicious after so many negative encounters with doctors. At the same time, I had been a part of a group of moms whose leaders began to sow doubt about vaccines. I can remember one telling me, “When was the last time we’ve had a case of measles?” The irony of this is thick today! This was also ironic because the thing that brought us all together was that we all had children with disabilities — some of whom were the most vulnerable to complications from illness. (My son didn’t end up with Down Syndrome like that horrible doctor insisted he would, but he does have another disability he prefers not to disclose.) One of the moms even claimed that her son’s seizure disorder was caused by a vaccine injury. That was really hard to argue with. She was so convincing.

Later, our family changed providers, and I was given advice that made me comfortable about the HPV vaccine. I don’t know that it was anything particular that she said, but her demeanor was confident, and she steered me in a way that let me know I was protecting my kids with the HPV vaccine. They didn’t get it on time, which means they don’t have the best protection, since the HPV vaccine works best at ages 11 to 12. But they did get it, which still greatly decreases their chance of contracting HPV and related cancers. 

It’s not delaying HPV vaccination for my kids that I’m confessing today. It’s natural to have questions about vaccines, especially when it’s a sensitive topic like HPV. I just wasn’t given the correct information and my concerns weren’t appropriately addressed. When I had the right information, delivered in a way that made me feel comfortable, heard, and confident, I made the right choice. Luckily, that decision didn’t cause anyone harm!

The story I really want to tell you about happened later. I remained in the moms group and the leaders had moved in to the world of essential oils. They pushed advice from fringe quacks like Dr. Mercola, who has amassed a fortune selling natural remedies in place of sound, proven treatments. They made extravagant claims, like that essential oils could cure everything from headaches to asthma to seizure disorders and more. While I dabbled a little in essential oils, I was never really sold on the idea of them replacing major medical interventions. Essential oils smell nice, but I learned frankincense does absolutely nothing to allay a full on migraine! I still didn’t fully trust doctors and some medical advice, and the moms group affirmed my feelings. I navigated my family’s health in a quasi crunchy fashion. That meant I regularly took my kids to the doctor, but didn’t always follow the guidance given. For example, I made sure we all got a flu vaccine in years when flu was really bad, but I didn’t otherwise take it seriously.

This lackadaisical approach to health hit home hard in the fall of 2019. My father had alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency, a disease which can cause degenerative lung and liver disease. At this time, his lung deterioration was pretty significant, and he was on full-time oxygen. Just walking across the room would wind him. Any illness was dangerous, and each infection left him with less respiratory capacity.  

One morning, when he had been fighting what we thought was a bad cold, he went into respiratory failure and stopped breathing amid a coughing fit. He was transported to the hospital and put in the ICU where he was diagnosed with the flu.  

In addition to my mother being a nurse, my father’s career was also in the medical field, and we knew many of the nurses and doctors at our local hospital. This meant the Director of Nursing, one of his friends, came to visit him. After a little friendly banter, she began to question where my father had acquired the flu. She asked my mom if she had been sick, then asked me if anyone in my family had been sick. None of us had had any flu-like symptoms. Then she asked if we had all gotten our flu vaccines. When I responded, “no,” she lectured me and told me that even if we were not feeling sick, we could have been asymptomatic and brought the flu to my father. I don’t think the weight of not getting vaccinated really sank in at that time. I think I was in denial. 

My father was released from the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. We were thankful to be able to celebrate together. A few weeks later, he was hospitalized again. Two days after Christmas, he was put on hospice care. Did my dad contract flu from one of us? We’ll never know, but he could have. Had we been vaccinated, we might have had more time with him. For that, I feel immeasurable regret and guilt.

It wasn’t until COVID-19 hit that I really began to understand how transmissible viruses like flu and COVID-19 are and how essential vaccination is not just individually, but for everyone we encounter. Unfortunately, the pandemic was a great learning opportunity for some of us. I was so relieved when I was finally able to get the vaccine on March 23, 2021. I shared my experience with my friends over social media. Sadly, many of my friends didn’t share my enthusiasm. In fact, my moms group “friends” didn’t contact me unless they wanted to talk to me about essential oils. (I’ll never know all the details surrounding the mom who claims her son’s seizure disorder was caused by a vaccine injury, but I do know that serious adverse reactions to vaccines are extremely rare. I also know that the doubt she sows in other moms is harmful. If others choose not to vaccinate their kids because of her influence, their children are vulnerable to dangerous preventable disease.)

Doctors aren’t perfect. They are human, and there are bad actors in every profession. I know I’m not alone in my negative experiences in healthcare. They are indicative of the change providers have to make, and in my work I see that change happening. The medical establishment has made great efforts to make healthcare accessible; to train providers in how to listen and be supportive; and to employ tactics like motivational interviewing where they learn not to judge patients, but instead meet them where they are and gently guide them to better decisions. 

The indisputable fact is that vaccines, including COVID-19 vaccines, save lives. They are rigorously tested and continuously monitored for safety. Thankfully, we have a massive body of scientific evidence that show vaccines to be safe; we are lucky to live in a time when we have them. Today, we risk going backwards. The division I experienced with my friends continues and is indicative of our division nationwide. Flu is currently experiencing a second peak for the 2024-2025 season and is circulating at very high levels for much of the country, including Colorado. There is a measles outbreak in Texas in a widely unvaccinated community, which is likely to grow larger. We have one of the most notorious anti-vaccine activists at the helm of our nation’s healthcare, and the White House has ordered an end to funding for schools that require COVID-19 vaccines. Currently, K-12 schools don’t require them, but this order spreads more doubt, fear, and misinformation. There will be terrible consequences for these actions, and it will be children and older adults who pay the cost. 

This is why it’s more important than ever for those of us who advocate for vaccines to speak out and share our stories. I hope mine helps ensure that at least one person is granted more time with a loved one. 

Leann Springer is the communications manager at Immunize Colorado. 

Immunize Colorado was formed in 1991 in response to alarmingly low vaccination rates across the state. At the time, only about 50% of Colorado’s children were adequately vaccinated. A group of physicians and other concerned individuals came together to strategize how to best protect Coloradans from vaccine-preventable diseases. Much work remains. You can donate or discover other ways to get involved to support our commitment to healthy Colorado communities today!